It is all about realizing a DREAM

I look up the dictionary and found the meaning of dream (other than the one which occurs during sleep) which means a long-held ambition or wish. I don't think I have been holding my dream that long yet but it is a budding dream. It is still small and unnoticed but it is growing.

okay, just for a precaution afterward might sound a bit mushy but please bear with it.

Well, my point here is that rather than having no dream at all I am very grateful to have my dream.

it might seem an impossible dream right now
it is still a hazy and blurry dream
sometime I don't know if this dream is good or not
i don't even know what I suppose to do next

But

I know that one day my dream will come true
it doesn't matter how many times it takes to make it come true
and I don't care what kind of remarks people say to me

because I know my dream however trivial or small will come true

the end of mushy talk

A wakeup call

Have you ever experienced your wake up call? No, I don't mean your alarm clock.

It is the call that tell you to stop lazing about and doing nothing. That tell you that you have a life to live and you had to shake yourself awake from any fantasies you have been living in.

I experienced my wake up call a couple of years ago. Well, maybe it is not a wake up call but a rude and hard shake to awake me from my laziness. It was like fate had slap me hard on the face and said "Wake up you lazy brat! You had a life you had to manage. Stop being such a wimp" (Well I guess that is what my wake up call said....hihihi)

but it had really awaken me and open my eyes. I turn out to be a better person...(I hope). Well, I might get lost again in the future and end up lulling my self into some kind of fantasies so I might need another wake up call again. This time fate had to slap me harder to wake me up.

To start Dreaming Again

At first I didn't have any particular dream. When I heard people talking about their dreams, ambitions and hopes I felt a heavy lump inside. I envy them.

It seems like they have a purpose in life however trivial or small it is.

It seems like they have something to look forward to tomorrow and not just wait for it to come.

It seems like these dreams and hopes give them courage to move forward.

I envy them for having something I didn't have. Maybe because I don't have any dream I just follow and accept what people told me to do.

When I am still a child I wanted to be a doctor because...well I thought everyone wanted to be one. Ironically, when I grew up I found out that I could not stand the sight of blood...hahaha...I got dizzy.
Then, my parents told me to be a teacher and my friends said I will make a good teacher.. because I am tall so, it is easy for me to wipe the board. When I went to work as a part time tuition teacher I know I cannot be one. I felt helpless and confused in front of my students and didn't feel any passion to educate them. There are still much more I had to learn before I can teach others.
All this while I live following the path my family and society carved for me.This path is a straight path with less bumps and no intersection. It is a safe path. I seemed to know what will I do and where I will end up next. I felt more like a puppet than me. Showing what others want to see than what I want others to see.

Then, fate intervened. Throwing me from this secured, ordered path to another path. I came to Penang studying the subject I am the strongest at, English...but then people still make speculation when I said I'm studying English. 'Oh, you are going to be a teacher...hemm..good, good' that is the same answer I always get.

but the truth is I want to be something else. There must be something I can do besides teaching. Yes, teaching is a good profession...a safe one I would say but maybe it is too safe for me. I long for an adventure..however lame that sound.

in this new path I can start dreaming my own dream. So, I start dreaming again. I want to be a journalist who will travel to many places reporting events and writing about the world. This particular path is not straight and have many huge bends on the way. Sometime it is dark and I lost my way. Sometime I stumble upon an unexpected rocks and fall down flat on my face.

but I believe with a dream I can tread on any path. The twisted road will not be a boring road. Even when it is dark and I get lost I just try to find the right path again. When I fall down I can always get up again.

So, at last I found a dream for me to hold on to. Have you found yours?

Declaring my LOVE to JAPANESE

If you love someone, how do you declare your love to your loved one?
shout or scream your declaration of love?
I don't know about you but I'' declare it by writing about it

I LOVE JAPANESE.....language


No, its not a person but the Japanese language


My lecturer had once said if I really want to learn any language and become fluent in it I had live with the language.

NO it doesn't mean that I have to carry with me my language books with me 24/7. It mean that I have to use the language not only in class when I'm studying but also through my everyday life.

''You have to speak in it, listen to it, write in it, read about it and at the end of the day if you also dream in it then you have become a fluent user of the language'' my lecturer said.

Usually people will try to remember what they are dreaming about but I am not so sure they ever try to remember what language their dream is.

If I remember correctly most of my dream is in Malay, my mother tongue but once in a while it could occur in English but I have never experience a dream in Japanese.

Another person said that "you have to eat the food the country of the language you are learning''
for example if I want to be fluent in English I have to eat the English food such chicken chop, burger and other Western food. Well if it is true Malaysian people have been eating these Western food for ages so Malaysian English should be at a very high level ,right? I don't know.

Maybe it means that I had to try to understand the culture of Japanese people through their food such as takoyaki, sushi and tea. Learning and living in the language may help me improve my language. I think soooooo......

''securing'' the bad sides

I learn the term ''secure'' from my navy training which means ''make something disappear from view''. You can ''secure'' almost anything; garbage, books, unwanted things, cat (?), dust, precious things and even people. Sometime this ''securing'' last only a short time. Most of the time you ''secure'' things you don't want others to see such as; your mom, grandma, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, lecturer or even your superior ...shhhh...don't tell them I'm telling this to you. This is a sacred secret between you and me<(^o^)>

But there is another thing you could ''secure''. It's your bad side. I was painfully taught that I should be tidy,clean and neat 24/7. There should be no speck of dust on my table..buhuhu..(the dust hates me)....the bed should look like nobody had slept in it (where am I gonna sleep?)...and etc. etc. etc.

I tried my best to maintain my room to look neat and clean 24/7 but frankly speaking I am the lazy and messy person. But I still had to maintain my room! So, what am I going to do??

I used the things they taught me. I secured my bad sides and show only my good sides. It doesn't mean that I am a two face or two personality person who look kind and innocent in front but a devil at the back. It is just that when you enter my room, at one glance it will appear clean and tidy with no dust or garbage. But if you start poking around you will notice the messiness ''secured'' everywhere. My drawer is all cluttered with all kind of things; books,pencil, paper, Maggie(?), coins and etc.etc.etc. Not to mention the closet is a disaster. I will not try to describe its condition for your own comfort.

My point here is that, I was born like this. A little bit messy and lazy. It is who I am. I tried my best to fulfill the standard given by the society, my mother, grandma, or my superior but the person they wanted me to be is not me. I need a little messiness in my life but I have to do it while keeping up with others expectation.

One silly mistake and the world could turn around you

I tried my hardest to be just and fair but maybe I tend to look over something. As I went through my everyday life, I notice changes and things. I look upon those changes from my point if view.

There was one incident which had puzzled me so deeply. I am amaze about how the world can turn away from someone because of one or two mistakes. It strikes me that the life I live in is in very shaky and precariously balancing. If one day I did something stupid there is a possibility that that safe world would be crushed. People turning their back upon other people, judging others as they like and etc.

It may not be my place to say this is wrong or right because people operate in different ways. The things I see as right might seems wrong in their eyes and the thing I believe to be wrong is right for them.

I am merely pointing out how I see the world. I tried my hardest to be fair and kind not because I was born kind but because I know how much it hurt and I do not want anyone I consider as loved one to feel the same.

Words are spining spining

have you ever felt that you cant take anything anymore?
i heard about people blaming each other
one side said the other while the other said something totally opposite
it is a childish play of words

have you ever listen how the kids fight?
read the papers read hear the news you can see and hear small children fighting with each others
one side cant take another side criticizing them and vice verse
it was useless to try to take sides or to say with side is wrong or right
for in their fight to defend themselves
they totally step over the boundary between right and wrong, good or bad, emotion and reason

words are being used and misused
jumbled between truth, lies, hatred and mistrust
they will say they are right for that is what they believe
and I will say what is wrong is wrong for that is what I believe
what do you believe?