It is all about realizing a DREAM

I look up the dictionary and found the meaning of dream (other than the one which occurs during sleep) which means a long-held ambition or wish. I don't think I have been holding my dream that long yet but it is a budding dream. It is still small and unnoticed but it is growing.

okay, just for a precaution afterward might sound a bit mushy but please bear with it.

Well, my point here is that rather than having no dream at all I am very grateful to have my dream.

it might seem an impossible dream right now
it is still a hazy and blurry dream
sometime I don't know if this dream is good or not
i don't even know what I suppose to do next

But

I know that one day my dream will come true
it doesn't matter how many times it takes to make it come true
and I don't care what kind of remarks people say to me

because I know my dream however trivial or small will come true

the end of mushy talk

A wakeup call

Have you ever experienced your wake up call? No, I don't mean your alarm clock.

It is the call that tell you to stop lazing about and doing nothing. That tell you that you have a life to live and you had to shake yourself awake from any fantasies you have been living in.

I experienced my wake up call a couple of years ago. Well, maybe it is not a wake up call but a rude and hard shake to awake me from my laziness. It was like fate had slap me hard on the face and said "Wake up you lazy brat! You had a life you had to manage. Stop being such a wimp" (Well I guess that is what my wake up call said....hihihi)

but it had really awaken me and open my eyes. I turn out to be a better person...(I hope). Well, I might get lost again in the future and end up lulling my self into some kind of fantasies so I might need another wake up call again. This time fate had to slap me harder to wake me up.

To start Dreaming Again

At first I didn't have any particular dream. When I heard people talking about their dreams, ambitions and hopes I felt a heavy lump inside. I envy them.

It seems like they have a purpose in life however trivial or small it is.

It seems like they have something to look forward to tomorrow and not just wait for it to come.

It seems like these dreams and hopes give them courage to move forward.

I envy them for having something I didn't have. Maybe because I don't have any dream I just follow and accept what people told me to do.

When I am still a child I wanted to be a doctor because...well I thought everyone wanted to be one. Ironically, when I grew up I found out that I could not stand the sight of blood...hahaha...I got dizzy.
Then, my parents told me to be a teacher and my friends said I will make a good teacher.. because I am tall so, it is easy for me to wipe the board. When I went to work as a part time tuition teacher I know I cannot be one. I felt helpless and confused in front of my students and didn't feel any passion to educate them. There are still much more I had to learn before I can teach others.
All this while I live following the path my family and society carved for me.This path is a straight path with less bumps and no intersection. It is a safe path. I seemed to know what will I do and where I will end up next. I felt more like a puppet than me. Showing what others want to see than what I want others to see.

Then, fate intervened. Throwing me from this secured, ordered path to another path. I came to Penang studying the subject I am the strongest at, English...but then people still make speculation when I said I'm studying English. 'Oh, you are going to be a teacher...hemm..good, good' that is the same answer I always get.

but the truth is I want to be something else. There must be something I can do besides teaching. Yes, teaching is a good profession...a safe one I would say but maybe it is too safe for me. I long for an adventure..however lame that sound.

in this new path I can start dreaming my own dream. So, I start dreaming again. I want to be a journalist who will travel to many places reporting events and writing about the world. This particular path is not straight and have many huge bends on the way. Sometime it is dark and I lost my way. Sometime I stumble upon an unexpected rocks and fall down flat on my face.

but I believe with a dream I can tread on any path. The twisted road will not be a boring road. Even when it is dark and I get lost I just try to find the right path again. When I fall down I can always get up again.

So, at last I found a dream for me to hold on to. Have you found yours?

Declaring my LOVE to JAPANESE

If you love someone, how do you declare your love to your loved one?
shout or scream your declaration of love?
I don't know about you but I'' declare it by writing about it

I LOVE JAPANESE.....language


No, its not a person but the Japanese language


My lecturer had once said if I really want to learn any language and become fluent in it I had live with the language.

NO it doesn't mean that I have to carry with me my language books with me 24/7. It mean that I have to use the language not only in class when I'm studying but also through my everyday life.

''You have to speak in it, listen to it, write in it, read about it and at the end of the day if you also dream in it then you have become a fluent user of the language'' my lecturer said.

Usually people will try to remember what they are dreaming about but I am not so sure they ever try to remember what language their dream is.

If I remember correctly most of my dream is in Malay, my mother tongue but once in a while it could occur in English but I have never experience a dream in Japanese.

Another person said that "you have to eat the food the country of the language you are learning''
for example if I want to be fluent in English I have to eat the English food such chicken chop, burger and other Western food. Well if it is true Malaysian people have been eating these Western food for ages so Malaysian English should be at a very high level ,right? I don't know.

Maybe it means that I had to try to understand the culture of Japanese people through their food such as takoyaki, sushi and tea. Learning and living in the language may help me improve my language. I think soooooo......

''securing'' the bad sides

I learn the term ''secure'' from my navy training which means ''make something disappear from view''. You can ''secure'' almost anything; garbage, books, unwanted things, cat (?), dust, precious things and even people. Sometime this ''securing'' last only a short time. Most of the time you ''secure'' things you don't want others to see such as; your mom, grandma, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, lecturer or even your superior ...shhhh...don't tell them I'm telling this to you. This is a sacred secret between you and me<(^o^)>

But there is another thing you could ''secure''. It's your bad side. I was painfully taught that I should be tidy,clean and neat 24/7. There should be no speck of dust on my table..buhuhu..(the dust hates me)....the bed should look like nobody had slept in it (where am I gonna sleep?)...and etc. etc. etc.

I tried my best to maintain my room to look neat and clean 24/7 but frankly speaking I am the lazy and messy person. But I still had to maintain my room! So, what am I going to do??

I used the things they taught me. I secured my bad sides and show only my good sides. It doesn't mean that I am a two face or two personality person who look kind and innocent in front but a devil at the back. It is just that when you enter my room, at one glance it will appear clean and tidy with no dust or garbage. But if you start poking around you will notice the messiness ''secured'' everywhere. My drawer is all cluttered with all kind of things; books,pencil, paper, Maggie(?), coins and etc.etc.etc. Not to mention the closet is a disaster. I will not try to describe its condition for your own comfort.

My point here is that, I was born like this. A little bit messy and lazy. It is who I am. I tried my best to fulfill the standard given by the society, my mother, grandma, or my superior but the person they wanted me to be is not me. I need a little messiness in my life but I have to do it while keeping up with others expectation.

One silly mistake and the world could turn around you

I tried my hardest to be just and fair but maybe I tend to look over something. As I went through my everyday life, I notice changes and things. I look upon those changes from my point if view.

There was one incident which had puzzled me so deeply. I am amaze about how the world can turn away from someone because of one or two mistakes. It strikes me that the life I live in is in very shaky and precariously balancing. If one day I did something stupid there is a possibility that that safe world would be crushed. People turning their back upon other people, judging others as they like and etc.

It may not be my place to say this is wrong or right because people operate in different ways. The things I see as right might seems wrong in their eyes and the thing I believe to be wrong is right for them.

I am merely pointing out how I see the world. I tried my hardest to be fair and kind not because I was born kind but because I know how much it hurt and I do not want anyone I consider as loved one to feel the same.

Words are spining spining

have you ever felt that you cant take anything anymore?
i heard about people blaming each other
one side said the other while the other said something totally opposite
it is a childish play of words

have you ever listen how the kids fight?
read the papers read hear the news you can see and hear small children fighting with each others
one side cant take another side criticizing them and vice verse
it was useless to try to take sides or to say with side is wrong or right
for in their fight to defend themselves
they totally step over the boundary between right and wrong, good or bad, emotion and reason

words are being used and misused
jumbled between truth, lies, hatred and mistrust
they will say they are right for that is what they believe
and I will say what is wrong is wrong for that is what I believe
what do you believe?

Siapa yang makan pedas dia yang terasa

Something my lecturer said in class triggered this malay saying in my mind. She said that the writers who wrote any books will state that anything he wrote in the book is fiction and have no connection with the leaving or the dead and if it did it will be a coincidence.

I have never understand or take any notice of such things before but lately I began to understand why the writers wrote all that.

It is because the reader especially in the writer social circle might felt that the story or the mocking comments in the book is about them and began criticizing the author although it might or might not be about them.

the reader merely read a story and decide for themselves that the story is about them and sue the writer

the funny things I realize about this saying is that if the someone is one who usually and like spicy things didn't that someone can no longer feel the spiciness (only if he consume a whole bowl of spices)

so I am going to state clearly here that any of my written works or writings is not related to anyone alive or dead and if there is it is only a mere coincidence. I am not afraid of criticizes or even if people want to ban my writings.

criticize me all you want, disagree with me, contradict my views, comment on my mistakes, let me see your point of argument for by doing that only can I improve.

The cat named fifi and the mouse named miki

this is my version of story about why the cat and mouse fight with each other

this is a story about fifi the cat and miki the mouse. this two are very good friend. one day miki overheard fifi telling bobo the rabbit about a mouse she was annoyed and furious about. miki, believing that fifi only knows a mouse in her whole entire life which is himself then felt furious at fifi. miki felt that fifi is trying to humiliate and talking bad about him. miki quickly concluded that the whole conversation is about him. miki then out of anger began to tell everyone about the incident.telling how fifi is not being a good friend.

fifi the cat was shocked when she heard about the things miki had told about her. she tried to explain that the mouse she had been talking about is a horrid mouse who steal her food at night which she did not told miki for she didnt want to talk bad about his own species to him.

miki the mouse refuse to listen and tell fifi is not a good friend. fifi was very sad and angry for being misunderstood upon.

until now, because miki didnt want to listen the two friends are not on good terms.

that is my version of story why cat and mouse are fighting. if you like the story or want to say something about it please comment it below so I can improve it.

thank you.

A view from the hooting owl

I live at night cause my days are gone in slumber.
As a lay awake during the dark I become the witness and watcher over things the day will look over,

I saw the moon yawning in the sky sometime hiding herself between the cloud if she notice I was watching,
I saw the house rat going rampage about fighting about the last piece of crumbs,
I saw the last minute bird who is lost finding a place to sleep

I feel the air turning cold covering the earth with a dewy blanket,
I feel the chill freeze of silence
I feel the presence of nothingness

I heard the echoes of chirping cricket getting lost in a battle of sound
I heard the wind lazy blows through the creasing leaves
I heard the deafening emptiness broken once in a while by the nervous steps of hungry squirrel

so please forgive this hooting owl if its view is not perfect for even it watches over the night it overlook the day

At Each Others Throat

what I can imagine from this term is a scene when two people or more are grabbing each others throat trying to shake and squeeze the air out of the others. It can also means that both parties are at a disagreement and are shouting at the top of their voice to make the other party understand them.

maybe the person who coin this term had a violent and vivid imagination or had just survive one of the heated argument which had turn physical and decide to to come up with this term.

whatever the reason is or why this term or quote or famous sentence was created, it mean one thing to me which is it was very tiring and frustrating to make other people understand you or accept your opinion.

people hold different perspectives, view, belief, another way of looking things and sometime we tend to bump into someone who hold another totally different view from us.

sometime, if you are lucky that person might be an understanding person who will stop for a while and reflect on your point before considering whether to accept or reject it.

but because people are diverse, some cant accept their view being criticize. It is like their own worth had been criticize and they bare their fangs to defend their views.

in short people are different. I am different and so are you.

Let me fall and get hurt

Let me fall down and get hurt,
Let me make make a mistake,
Let me wander a different road,
Let me take the risk,

because you had taught me long ago that

if I fall down I should wipe the tears, patch my knee and stand up again,

if I make a mistake I should learn from it and vow that I will never do it again,

if I should get lost I can always find my way back again,

and if the thing I choose is risky I am stubborn enough to face it head on.

so, please do not worry.
I am a big girl now

A tainted writings

I have said before that your writing is your own world where you can write everything you want...but.. I am sorry I need to warn you that not all of the writing is good

I am not talking about the grammar or word structure but the messages it bring.

Just like not all of the things are good, some things are bad too.

Some writings can motivate you, make you feel warm inside, make you laugh, make you remember about your loved one, make you want to learn about yourself more, inspire you to do things and also to give you courage.

Those are what good writings can bring to you...but,

There are some who writes intending to hurt someone, to humiliate, to breed hatred, to infest the readers thought with prejudice, doubt and malice so that the reader will take side with the writer no matter who is at fault.

Here writing and words are used to start a war and I am disgust with it.

I love writing and reading others works but I warn you that some writing can bring nothing but misery to the readers

So, stop misusing the words for your own selfish pride.

Your Own Canvas Your Own World

I do not have many blog friends or followers but these few people I have are kind enough to let me be one of their readers.

Thank you...Domo, Arigatou gozaimasu

For by reading others' writing I realize that we can be whoever we want to be when we write.

The styles are different and so is the language.

Some write to express their rage, contempt ,hatred, frustration and etc..
Some recorded their everyday life in their writing..what they did, where they have been, what they are feeling..their essence of life are mingled in their words
Some share their accomplishment, hobbies, their passion to the world to see
I on the other hand write about what I think about my life, the world I become a member to and other things that tend to stuck in my jumbled mind

Whatever our reasons are to write,
I believe we should have absolute freedom to write on whatever we believe in

The words are the rainbow of colours
The paper are our canvas

So paint whatever picture you want to create
For you are creating your own world...

Ja ne

How to rate a person

If I ask from the scale from 1 to 10 how do you rate a person what number will you give? Will it be 5 or 1 or even 10.

No matter what number you will give it does not matter because what I really want to ask is how do you rate them?

What kind of person will deserve a 1o? Do they have to be beautiful or handsome or clever or rich or just by being too kind.

If those people will get 10 what about the people who are opposite..should they get zero or 1.

I ask these question because I am confused. Why did people have the tendency to rate someone or classified someone into groups.

You will notice at school there are the popular, the cool, the smart one, the geek, the weirdo, the nobody and etc.

I do not know which category will I fit in because I like to be all of that.

Sometime I'll be the smart one when I feel like studying,
When I am bored I'll tend to do something weird,
If I am feeling hype Ill dress up to fit the mood,
When I am depressed I prefer to be the wallflower,
and sometime I dream and try to be a lot cooler...

So, where would I fit in?

In the middle of chaotic life where people rate other people where will I stand?

Im not Ashame to be A Manga Freak

All this while I have been searching for something to trigger my passion and my obsession. I have found it but it is not love or something people normally obsessed about.

but I like it and love it in my own sense.
I am obsessed with Manga.
To the extent that I refuse to care about anything else but reading it.
I neglect my meal, my studies, my sleep, my rest, my bath and even my prayer.
I disregard anything my parents said and continued to loose myself in the fairy tale world of manga.
Regardless of anything being said, I stubbornly convince myself that the manga obsession is okay and I am not affected by it.

It takes me awhile to realize; and only after I have done reading most of it that I realize how miserable my condition is.

I started experiencing massive headache, my appetite degrade, I become nausea whenever I stand up too long and my face is glisten with sweat and oil.

I look horrible and feel the same. I feel like I am in a big,sticky mess I created.

and I need to change and grab hold on my life and took control.
I also learn that what obsession can do to one's life.

but believe it or not I did not completely give up that obsession. I still am obsess with manga.
but I learn to control the obsession. The experience getting caught up in that big, sticky mess become a harsh reminder for me.

In case you are wondering why on earth I still kept that obsession is that. I cannot let go of it. It had become one with me.
Although I was badly affected by manga obsession, I still learn something from reading it just like when you read any books.

I fall in love with the characters
I learn about other cultures
I read about some heart warming motivation
I watch as the hero or heroin refuse to give up and fight till the end
I observe how people love each other, make friends, fight and overcome their fears
I experience events I have never experience

thus, no matter what I refuse to let this obsession go for there is a part of me that will not be the same if I had not had this obsession.

A bad habit

I have a bad habit. A very bad indeed.

It is whenever Once I started on something I refuse to let it go;

When I learn to love someone who does not feel the same, it takes forever for me to move on.
but I did

When I proclaimed a friend to be my best friend, I prevent her from having others as her best friend.
in the end she left

When I join Navy and found out that it is too much for my limit, I stubbornly stay put and wade through it all.
I was able to reach beyond

whenever a task gets too difficult, I tried to run but I always found myself facing it head on.
and finish it

now, when I think I have made a mistake of choosing someone as my guide, I will never change the path I had chose and stick to this guide no matter how hard the road I walk on.
this guide might not be the most ideal guide I imagine and I already felt more lost than ever with her guidance
but,
I refuse to change side because I was the one who chose her in the first place.
maybe I'll get lost more and more in the jungle of confusion and uncertainty
but,
at least I know I will not lose the faith I have in you.

so, please guide me well, teacher.

Is it just a bluff or money really comes that easy nowadays

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Jurudata Memproses Pengiklanan (Home Based Ads Data Entry )
-----------------------------------------(contoh iklan)

Once I opened any web page I was often bombarded with these kind of advertising saying that I could be a millionaire within days by just a flick of my finger or just typing something or trying something on. It was extremely tempting for a full time student like me who had no stable job income. Maybe even for a normal paid worker, this advert might look interesting because people wanted to earn more money. They wanted to buy a new car, some new clothes, a new house or to provide better education for their children. As for me I just like piling more money. Maybe if I join in any of this fast money making job I could earn more money.

But,

here comes the big interrupting word because however tempted I am something still smell fishy because the reality is money is not that easy to make. If they is really a way to earn money that easily why am I spending almost my whole life studying my butt's off and cracking my head cramming those information the teachers and lecturer gave me? Honestly, I have been tricked before and got my RM550 swipe away from me because of one of these skim. Today is a brand new era and people are not as dumb as before so even the swindler, liars and con man have to be even smarter. So, they come up with this brilliant plan of easy job offer with huge pay. They decorated an empty room to look like professional office, some genuine looking paper works, two smiling secretaries, maybe if they are IT capable come up with this convincing web page with some witnesses citing up their comments of success. If I have not been tricked before, I would actually believe all of that but being tricked had it pro's. It made me think twice. So, I think again and look at the advert with its web page and successful case's comments. It suddenly struck me that if I had the right IT skill I can come up with this web page too. Just come up with convincing lines, some pictures of people I don't know of which I can scooped up in Facebook and put some dialogues, some data of estimated successful rates since some people believe in scientific facts and some bold letters to highlight the rewards.

On the second thought maybe these type of advert and easy job offer might be a true easy money making skim...but..not for you but the con men themselves.

I was born a baby

I am not born as a warrior

I do not inherit any wealth

I was not meant to look cool

I was always scared

I was once mistaken as a mute girl

I was born as a baby

with nothing to offer but cries and laughter

but as I grew up I learn

that I cannot be that baby anymore

I had to be a warrior in the battle of life

I had to earn money to live

I have to pretend to look cool

I have to be a lot braver

and I have to talk more

for I am not a baby anymore

It was so easy to hurt

Yes, it is very easy to hurt someone. A flick of the hand to the face, a string of insult, a nasty rumor or an order to do something idiotically stupid. The consequence is to the victim. They by themselves had to bear the pain for days. If the pain subside then thank God everything is fine but what about if a SCAR was left. It will not be easy to remove a scar. Some can be removed by plastic surgery but some other scars haunt you forever. They might not be the usual scar we often seen on the bruised skin but the one inside. The emotional scar can not be removed because it had penetrated deeply into the heart's deepest core. But maybe a sincere apology might sooth the scar away. LIFE is a big risk. We might hurt ourselves trying to survive it but getting hurt because of something stupid is just not worth it. Hope the guilt will last for eternity.

Diving into the World of Dyslexia

Recently, I was given a project to undergo under my Psycholinguistic course. We are required to study subject which are children with disability regarding to learning. I think our group will decide on doing the autism syndrome. I will agree with them. But I actually prefer to do on Dyslexia. The children with this syndrome have difficulties mainly in reading and writing.

People often mistaken these special children as idiots, imbecile, stupid, lazy and some other interpretations 'normal and able' people seem to give to these children. The truth is that they are all willing to study and very hardworking but they have problem in their brain which hinder the learning process. What they are thought are different from what their brain register. So often they are frustrated because nothing they do seem right to the teachers or the parents. I believe they wanted to be like any normal children who can impress their teachers by giving the right answer or receiving compliments for doing a good job from their parents.

I believe that the Dyslexia person live in a different world from the 'normal' human being. The term 'normal' is actually very ambiguous.

What is 'NORMAL'?

We think something is normal when most of the people agree that that is the true convention, that is what life should be, that is what people should wear, that is how we are suppose to eat. That is normal for them. So, what about the minority who do not agree with the 'normal ways' and see things and life in an opposite way. What about the people who look different? Should they be alienated from our 'perfect and normal' world? Can't these two different and opposite worlds live together side by side?

If the Dyslexia person can not understand the normal writing and reading convention why can't we invent a new language and sound that they understand for them. If we can't accept them into our 'normal and perfect' world why can't we at least strengthen the bond between our worlds so they can have a better world?


What do you think?

I Am AddICTed 2 Chocolate

Recently I realize something. I can get bored with something easily. I am bored with my current perfume. I stop crazing for Bliss Straberry drink. I tried to taste 5 new different ice creams from Walls over my usuall Tropicana. My fav mangas are starting to sound boring and chicken started to taste funny on my tongue. These phenomenas proof that after some time even our favorite things and craving become boring and uninteresting.

But among all of the boring list I list out, one thing remain the same. I am still and forever addicted to Chocolate. For a chocholic I cannot be seperated from Chocolate. Our existence interwine each other. I will always crave for Chocolate.

The Chocolate that I had lost.

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THROUGH MY SENSES

Use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be stricken blind,

Hear the music of voices, song of a bird, the mighty strains of an orchestra as if you will be stricken deaf tomorrow,

Touch each object you want to touch as if tomorrow your tactile sense would fail,

Smell the perfume of flowers, taste with relish each morsel as if tomorrow you could never smell or taste again,

and live your live as if you would die tomorrow.

-Helen Keller, 'Three Days to See'-

How Much Do You Know About LOVE?

Love is always patient and kind
it is never jealous

love is never
boastful or conceited
it is never rude or selfish
it does not take offence
and is never resentful

love takes no pleasure
in other people's sins,
but delights in the truth
it is always ready to excuse
to trust, to hope,
and to endure
whatever comes

taken from A Walk to Remember
originated from the Bible

LIFE is a constant BATTLE

Life is a constant battle
The world is a massive battlefield
We fight with people
We fight to protect our precious
We fight to reclaim what's ours
but the fiercest battle of all
is the fight within

There are no sword
sharp enough to fight with
No armour thick enough
to protect ourselves
For we are battling with our own souls


If we win
We will become stronger
but if we lose and never give up
We become stronger than ever

I refuse to lose or give up
because I am not afraid
to start fighting all over
again and again

I am still battling
and in this battlefield
I am proud to say that
I am a warrior

Another P.O.V.

It's warm and I like the idea of sleeping...but the protesting rumble in my stomach plead my greatest attention.
My nose started twiching. Hemmm...I can smell something tasty in the air...tuna and sardine...yummy.
The world has always seem big to me, much bigger when I'm smaller but I can catch the essence of it through the whiff of smells here and there.
Right now the smell of the salty delicacy lure my padded footsteps to a door.
There they are my precious tit bits lying on the floor.
My nose started twiching again.
It can smell familiarity.
This place is famliliar.
I have seen this door many times before.
The door opens and a gentle hand came down to stroke my head. Purrrrrr...that feels nice..do it again...Purrrrr.
Suddenly, the air slightly change. The changes is hardly traceable but for a creature like me this particular change trigger my senses the most.
The air turn acrid and sour.
The smell of loneliness.
It vibrated from this person combined with a mixture of sweet gratitude and minty peace. But the acrid smell overpower both scents. I sincerely hope I can wash that smell away but little I can do.
So I stay.